Birthday Prayer / Early Morning
I woke up early on my birthday, before sunrise. Cold morning, below freezing. Normal for this time of year, January 13.
I was 35 years old. It was the eighth day of our immersion trip and I was feeling very blessed by the wisdom received and a new appreciation of my life. Been the recipient of a lot of blessings. Privilege mixed in there, too. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.
What was handed to me on a stolen platter, what was hard earned, and what was grace? What about dumb luck?
I thought about those lines in a poem I’d written a couple years ago:
Flip a coin over the wall
Bet on gravity
Earth isn't in a box and Schrödinger floats
You feel lucky, or blessed?
Or pressed by a weight you can't find?
Loaded dice in the blame game
Bite into them
Don't choke
I know I’ve received mercy, so did Dad and others. But the Lakota don’t see this cross above the window the same way I do, even the Christians. Wasn’t it my ancestors riding high on the cavalry, bearing down on those women and children in the valleys of Wounded Knee? My visit there a few days ago was still on my mind and spirit, haunting me, haunting my blood.
Baby six months on the way back home. My firstborn son. I was seeing even more responsibilities now— to truth, to healing.
We’d heard from Kevin and Valery and others, about how they beat the drink. How Jesus saved them from alcohol, saved their lives, let them keep making their art. Kevin draws in pastels and Valery does traditional porcupine quilling and weaves dreamcatchers. They said that they would have died had they kept drinking.
Just like Dad. He warned me again and again. Kent told me, too. Told me how he gave it up, how much richer his life has been because of it. I knew. I knew the money I’d saved. Giving my liver a break. Remembering the night. Not worried about what I’d done–something shitty. Getting my Saturday mornings back, or not feeling so guilty on Sunday at church.
It was time to make good on these blessings / privileges / luck.
I’d been playing Robbie Robertson and the Red Road Ensemble’s “Peyote Healing” a lot during my time here. It is a beautiful song, a prayer song, in Lakota. I played it at home, too. I was our first dance song at our wedding. Emily and I danced and then we knelt and prayed. I missed her.
I played it that morning, which helped me rise, helped my Spirit rise prayerfully.
Peyote Healing
(Prayer Song)
/
(Wóčhekiye Olowaŋ)¹
Waní wačhíŋ yeló, Até ómakiya yo
Waní wačhíŋ yeló, Até ómakiya yo
Waní wačhíŋ yeló, Até ómakiya yo
O héya na hé ní
Até nímíčiȟ’uŋ wo
O héya na hé ní yo wa
Oŋšiya čhéčhičiye ló
Waní wačhíŋ yeló, Até ómakiya yo
Waní wačhíŋ yeló, Até ómakiya yo
Waní wačhíŋ yeló, Até ómakiya yo
Waní wačhíŋ yeló, Até
O héya na hé ní yo wa
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni čhaŋkú kiŋ hé ogná wawáčhi yeló
O héya na hé ní
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni čhaŋkú kiŋ hé ogná wawáčhi yeló
O héya na hé ní yo wa
Oŋšimala yo, oŋšimala yo
Oŋšimala yo, oŋšimala yo
Oŋšimala yo, oŋšimala yo
Oŋšimala yo, waní wačhíŋ yeló
O héya na hé ní
Wakȟáŋ Tȟáŋka oŋšimala yo
Oŋšimala yo, oŋšimala yo
Oŋšimala yo, waní wačhíŋ yeló
O héya na hé ní yo wa
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni čhaŋkú kiŋ hé ogná wawáčhi yeló
O héya na hé ní
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni, wičhóni
Wičhóni čhaŋkú kiŋ hé ogná wawáčhi yeló
O héya na hé ní yo wa
I want to live, Father I say this to you
I want to live, Father I say this to you
I want to live, Father I say this to you
I am sending my plea
Father, to live on some more
I am sending my plea to you
I am in misery, I pray to you
I want to live on, Father I say this to you
I want to live on, Father I say this to you
I want to live on, Father I say this to you
I want to live on, Father
I am sending my plea to you
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, I wish to be on that road
I am sending my plea to you
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, I wish to be on that road
I am sending my plea to you
Take pity on me, have mercy on me
Take pity on me, have mercy on me
Take pity on me, have mercy on me
Have pity on me, I want to live on
Have pity on me, I am sending my plea
I am sending my plea
Great Spirit take pity on me
Have pity on me, I am sending my plea
I am sending my plea to you
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, I wish to be on that road
I am sending my plea to you
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, a life to be
A life to come, I wish to be on that road
I am sending my plea to you²
“Help me Father I want to live,” the chorus of the song says, repeating.
I looked at the window and prayed. I tried not to focus on the window, but to unfocus. Moved between centering silence, gratitude, intercession. I asked Wakan Tanka, Great Spirit, to help me give up alcohol.
Wakan Tanka answered.
‘Commit.’
‘Mmm.’
‘I mean it.’
‘Yes. You are right.’
Of course Great Spirit was right. Wakan Tanka offered me a deal.
‘If you really commit. I will take away the desire.’
I don’t know if I had to think about it, but I needed a moment to ensure that I was ready for the commitment. I’d tried before. Was I ready? Could I really stick to it this time? Stick to it forever? How could I deny the Great Spirit?
‘Yes. Yes, I will.’
It’s what my Dad would have wanted. Maybe he was there, too, looking over Wakan Tanka’s shoulder. Every father has a father.
I am now 28 months sober.
-
¹ Robertson, Robbie. “Peyote Healing.” YouTube. April 30, 2015.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2deKkmCZiA² Ww, Ww. “Peyote Healing (Wóčhekiye Olowaŋ) (English trans.).” Lyrics Translate. Sep. 25, 2019.
https://lyricstranslate.com/en/peyote-healing-peyote-healing-prayer-song.html